Within many stepmom communities, divorced moms have earned a pretty bad reputation, and it’s easy to see why. There are many reasons why perfectly sane, intelligent, otherwise-normal women act not so normal when their ex-husbands remarry.

Let’s face it, even in the best of circumstances, kids are not easy to be around 100 percent of the time. Even biological parents need a break from their children once in a while, so it’s normal (although not quite acceptable by society) for stepmoms to need a break from kids who aren’t theirs.

Dealing with your partner’s ex-wife can be one of the most upsetting and aggravating aspects of being a stepmom. It’s a strange phenomenon, this lack of common courtesy and basic manners when it comes to ex-wives and stepmoms

The stepmom is often an easy scapegoat. We’re the new kid on the block (even if we’ve been around for years). And it’s so much easier to point the finger at someone else and tell them what they’re doing wrong, than trying to see how their presence could benefit the family and wanting to find solutions.

You’re probably wondering, why on earth is he still being kind to her? Why is he still doing things for her after the way she treats him? Well, you might be surprised to find that in most cases, men are not being wimpy or sac-less. They’re being driven by their instincts.

How much communication between your partner and the ex depends on the age of the kids, whether or not there are mental/physical/emotional issues that require more frequent communication, and how healthy the relationship between your partner and his ex is.

Back when my ex (and his wife) and I didn't get along, it used to be so easy to point to their actions and blame them for being so hurt, upset or angry.

I'd provide all the gory details so my sympathetic listener could see how anyone in their right mind would be equally offended.

But privately, I suspected there was something else at play, in the background.

What might happen if you held the other woman or parent to the same standards you normally apply to yourself — and those you love?

If you're a divorced mom who’s become a stepmother, then you totally get the role.

But jumping into the Mom role with someone you didn't make children with—and kids you didn't make—is a different animal altogether.

The couple is the pillar of the family unit, holding the family together. But when the children’s wants are made to be more important than the adult’s needs, chaos ensues.

High-conflict people might claim they want peace, but then make it impossible to achieve that because they will blame you for everything. They only have one story; a story where they’re the victim and you’re the attacker.

Consider…

Your grudges don’t actually improve the outcome of future problems.

You’re inadvertently “leaking” your resentment onto innocent bystanders.

It’s possible to forgive... and still create healthy boundaries that protect you from future pain and unhappiness.

Stepmoms are nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.

She doesn’t hate you, she hates what you represent: The failure of her marriage, the break up of her family, the woman her ex-husband became a better man for, the fear that she might have ruined her child’s life by not being able to make the marriage work.

You know you’re burned out when you’re snarling about things that typically wouldn’t bother you—the kitchen cabinet left ajar, the lone sock in the hallway, the stepchild innocently asking you what’s for dinner. You feel more sensitive than usual and get upset at the drop of a hat.

There are probably many more things going right in your life than there are going wrong.

You've just stopped seeing that.